I realized

honestly.

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 08:31:06 GMT

i couldn't be any fucking happier.

waste all your time with me

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 02:56:25 GMT

save dierker (7:53:06 PM): I love you.

ouch

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 06:08:17 GMT

my heart breaks for you so.

don't give me up

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 14:33:16 GMT

a little snippet of the beauty of rome

that coke cost 3.50 euros

see you soooonnnnn...

tot ziens

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 11:10:31 GMT

the weather is very nice here, very nice for holland anyway. it is all very green and beautiful right now too.

tomorrow i go to austria to see kathi. i'm nervous to tell you the truth. and i am looking forward to oh i don't know, getting wasted in austria.

but

leah (my grandma, but we aren't allowed to call her oma cause then she feels old)

lucas, my cousin, who i met for the first time

lucas and his dad robin (my uncle)

he's basically the cutest thing ever

yeah we're on top of a windmill

yea, we're in a klomp making factory

i swear not all of holland looks all windmills and wooden shoes like this, we just went to south holland where it's old and kinda touristy with all the real old windmills and houses and cows and cheese and stuff.

ps. andrea, i'm wearing your shirt

nothing.

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 19:47:45 GMT

i am not a lesbian.
i am not a dyke.
i don't have a fat vagina.
i am not a fatty.
i don't take it in the butt.
so fuck you.
i don't want to come with you anymore.

oh ep

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 07:41:54 GMT

Erock Paul (11:42:30 PM): SANne dofve me.
Erock Paul (11:42:30 PM): Woooooooooo.
Erock Paul (11:42:39 PM): I liek her anbd Brett together.
Erock Paul (11:42:42 PM): YOu kids a re cute.
Erock Paul (11:42:48 PM): YOu should call me toghether.
Erock Paul (11:43:00 PM): Because we dont hang out as much and tsas the wold dayz.
Erock Paul (11:46:52 PM): Yea Sanne, ytou a re a fgreat best dfriend.
Erock Paul (11:46:57 PM): Th ank you I love you.
Erock Paul (11:47:15 PM): OPlus MB<S shorts suck.

i've been saving up for this

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 18:14:18 GMT

i don't know where i've been lately. everywhere and nowhere. i've read and wrote and laughed a little i guess. i've slept a lot and played with boys and girls. 17 and summer and free of responsibility is so easy. i'm not bored and i'm not stressed and i'm not sad and i'm not complicated. i've liked him and it's worked out. i don't know. i just want the inspiration to....anything. but i'm content.

and

i want you so bad

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 06:49:57 GMT

oh god

Mon, 02 May 2005 03:46:30 GMT

SMLworldTBS (8:38:53 PM): i feel all anxious and crazy right now
urkissesafctme (8:40:18 PM): wanna go kill a man?
SMLworldTBS (8:42:29 PM): not really, i get my aggression out on the cat im dissecting in physiology.
SMLworldTBS (8:42:32 PM): it's pregnant
urkissesafctme (8:44:35 PM): all right well you wouldnt mind if i killed brissey though right? he seems like the perfect target to get my anxiety out on
SMLworldTBS (8:46:24 PM): well, he IS the keeper of the cats.
SMLworldTBS (8:46:26 PM): but sure

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 16:59:29 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 10:50:48 GMT

gutentag all. now me and the ladies are in munich and are having an aboslute ball. yes, we get wasted every night and yes, we shop and see the most amazing sights. i cant even describe how amaying all this has been so far. tomorrow we leave for strasbourg and then after that to paris.

i love you all and miss you.

look forward to extremelz awesome pictures.

love to
katrina
laz
eric

happy easta

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 19:51:22 GMT

i had some lines
but they went away

i don't want to go back to school tomorrow. but then it's the last week before europe and i am so excited. it's also deadline week, which always makes me happy.

i woke up to an amigo's breakfast burrito and it was good.

i am so tired of wanting things that i cannot have. i am so used to getting what i want most of the time. i can't handle it. i don't like being the one wanting and the one waiting. i should stop. but we all know that probably won't happen.

i am going to new york with my dad after i get back from europe. i'm really excited for that too. i'm a lucky bitch.

i miss michelle. i want to see her. i am socially anxious like her now. i think we need to cancel each other out.

star is my favorite four letter word

i had to tell myself it's only music

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 09:25:48 GMT

tegan and sara was amazing. i love to sing and dance so tritely. it's so simple. it's so good.

katrina made me a present and larry bought be a chocolate easter bunny.

i worried about something i really shouldn't worry about it, but if it were true, it would definitely suck. a lot. like take out my heart with an egg beater and tear it up a bunch of times more than necessary.

then i found

meet katharine moening, the new love of my life

and her good friend, mia something, aka also really hot

You think you can walk on the ground, they call it trust

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:23:37 GMT

today i got all the best mail. observe:
1. stina nordenstam cd i ordered like a month ago that i am currently listening to that might be the best cd i now own
2. azure ray cd i ordered that i haven't listened to yet but i am guaranteed goodness
3. a letter (a real live, hand written letter!!) from kathi and some euros from her for my trip

real mail is ___________. put your favorite adjective (positive) there. it's just such hard proof that you exist and in the case of a handwritten letter, that people think about you. maybe it's just becuase i'm a little kid who doesn't pay bills that lives in an e-mail world, but still. it was really close to being christmas.

i also, however, got the best email from kathi today. she is so funny. just, fun. observe:
"i just read your live journal. i think journalist is a very interesting but also very hard job, aaaand, i think you would be really good at it!
(damn, i'm soo nice) i'm quite jealous, because i have no idea what i could do after school. maybe a forensic doctor...
(don't laugh! i'm serious!!) what do you think? where are my talents? (be nice..but honest)
i think you should write a long entry about me in your live journal...i want to be famous=)"

so here i am writing about her not because she asked me to but because i happened to get this ____________ letter from her in the mail today and she is just that cool. the whole foreign exchange thing was just that cool. i mean, i get to stay with her over the summer in a wonderful place that is not the united states and she might come back here and visit again. it's just so rewarding/fufilling/fun/humbling/__________. all those things. all of them.

(this is me feeling good and babbling in case you didn't take notice already)

thursday is many things. observe:
1. AP US test that will more than likely fuck me.
2. english project i have spent most of my afternoon preparing for. (see, its a fucking bitch because i really dont even have to try very hard for english, i just do cause i like it, and then i get super fat A's. but in AP US, i try very hard and i don't like it and i get super fat C's. i really want to say "dichotomy" here but i don't think i really know what it means quite right enough)
3. Tegan and Sara show (featuring the girls in dresses)
4. officially the weekend (seeing as there is no school friday)

i completed one of the most amazing, thought-provoking, soul-searching, humbling, eye-opening, enlightening books i have ever read last night. i was about halfway through this book i began on thursday when i got in bed last night to read some more. after about 20 pages, completion of the novel was imminent. i missed zero period this morning because i stayed up until 1:30 reading. what follows now will not be words about the book because they will not even come close to doing it justice. if, however, you have read survivor by the amazing chuck palahniuk and can accept the fact that anything we utter will probably be a travesty to the ___________ work of this man, let's talk. (toshi- check, some girl from 3rd period history- check, brett- check, dave- check)

i simply cannot wait until we go to europe (actually this anxiousness might be the coffee, but nonetheless). after having kathi and denise and julia here, i (and many others) saw how egotistical etc americans are. i hate that i am that. i hate that i can't help that. i guess i do what i can though. i try not to be some ignorant american and i have soem culture with my dad's background but i just didn't know 5 languages by the time i was 15. i guess it doesn't REALLY matter that much and there's no need to get upset over it, i would just like to be so much more worldly than i am. that is what time is for i guess.

so, in the meantime, all i have is time.

dont worry if its not good enough for anyone else to hear

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 06:38:51 GMT

i seriously need something to do.

however, i came to several conclusions over the past couple of days. some real, some not.
actually, i guess i just came upon two conclusions. nonetheless, here they are:
1. i am going to be a journalist
2. i want to simply read and sleep all my days away. those are the only things i want to do. maybe spice it up and nap with someone, only, however, if i had no feelings for them because otherwise this simple life with no problems i am trying to create would be ruined. except i really like napping with those select few (well, 2).

my dad has told me this story more than once about how one day, when he was walking down the street in holland (his native land) when he was about 20, he decided that he would cease pursuing a career in art (for he was, at the time, an artist and beginning to think about making something of it) and make his life in business. he said he decided right then and there and never wavered ever again, even though he may have wanted to. he says that he wanted to do art but knew it was smarter and safer to do business. now he is senior vice president of a successful air freight company in los angeles, something he would not have believed had you told him thise when we was but 20. he says he never regrets dropping art.

i always thought that i would have this same moment my dad experienced, but i never had any clue as to what my decision would entail. after the last deadline week and really thinking about things and people, i decided that journalism would be something i could/can/should/would like to do with my life. i told sam briefly about how deadline week always makes me feel so safe because i have a place to be and something to do and a purpose and i am good at it and i enjoy the people who enjoy this same thing as me. although i know la vista is not really very much the same as a real paper (in certain senses), but all these things apply so well. i felt myself feeling that i simply wanted to go to deadline each day, skip school, not worry about homework or tests or crap, worry about la vista solely, go home, socialize, and sleep until i had to get up in the morning and go work on la vista again. then i put two and two together and realized that this would be very much like a career. in grown up world. not worrying about school and homework. worrying solely about my job and my family/social life/money/etc.

i hope im not being naive. naivety is such a bitch because you never know when its there until a) someone else tells you or b) you grow up.

i think i know what all these things mean. they feel pretty worked out in my head. i just dont know if i know enough about this grown up world i speak of to be very close to being right about it.

i wish i could sing.

away on my way

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 05:15:16 GMT

i want to write something that i am proud of. that i can post all over everything and sign my name at the bottom and people will contemplate the things i say and be interested in the person behind that signature. i want to create something that means something and that travels to people in other places where it means something else. i want to put sentences together that make up a perfect story about a perfect something that makes perfect sense in no way at all. i want to use these fingers for something to do, for something that means something to you. i want my desire to get everything in me from what comes out of me be fufilled. i don't want to hesitate with the alphabet. i want to master the art of making people feel from looking with their tiny little eyes at some patterns on paper. i want my blood to run down my arm and through my hand and out of my tips and onto a page that ends up looking like the victim of some person's outburst of feeling and outpour of emotional rage; mine. i want the rhythm that bothers my brain to be stuck in the head of the person who gets even the smallest amount of truth from my style. i want so many goddamn things. i wish that period left a mark in your brain and you walked away satisfied in a way that only i can do.

you felt as if you'd just woke up

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 05:01:01 GMT

Everyone asks me why I don't go out with you, almost like i am stupid.
And i know why they say that.

staying up late does not prove anyone wrong or rebel against anyone or make some small jabs at an authority figure. it just fucks you up.

Trying to catch your heart Is like....
Trying to catch a star, it's like..

i wish i had all the drive and all the will to make my life easier. instead i make all the moves that put me in danger. including him. well, there's always a him.

i want so many things. i need so many people. give me some songs and some words and send me on my way. please. do that for me. who's coming with me. come with me. no. don't. that's the point. send me on my way. my way. away. away on my way.

the only thing left in you
are some pretty little words and kind phrases that you can use
To make it look like you knew it all along.

i'm sorry

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 05:56:07 GMT

punch me next time i make it about me.

conquer the country

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 02:22:27 GMT

i want to smile for all the world to see

and make one plus one equal three

i want critics to say niceties

and to fly with my arms spread openly

i want to open my eyes when i sneeze

and to make you love no one but me

if i could just one of these impossible things

it would mean so much to me

i never liked sleeping alone

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 05:10:15 GMT

i want to tell you things i have yet to learn to say.
and talk about the things i know about.
but there is so very little i know about.
and none of it would impress you.
why can't i do all the things you do?

somewhere across forever

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 05:04:14 GMT

sigh my birthday was good. brett bought be bfast, lunch and dinner. it was sweet. i like him. gash do i like him. people made/bought me awesome things. i counted, and i got a total of 12 cds, plus $45 for amazon.com. that rocks a lot. i was being all self important and pouty and self pitying the night before which was really lame but i had a lot of fun. i really liked when katie, katie and chris brought me cookies, cupcakes and martinellis. i really liked my cds from andrea. and everything else. me plus 10 more people went to olive garden and that was really fun too. girls wore dresses and boys wore something nice. my parents gave me money for the europe trip which is coming up very soon. anyway i don't usually feel a need to share details like these so i'll provide

i think i have been in love with m.ross since the second grade

taylor's so fuckin hot

so's this guy

she's so damn cute

hmmmmmmm.

lauren = whorey hottie

andrea = ridiculously cute hottie

me = trying to be cute hottie

yea bye. (thats not my vagina its my shirt. swear.)

please

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 00:48:38 GMT

give to me the drugs that make me focus.

i don't have rich text

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:21:00 GMT

drunken post

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 08:59:19 GMT