dont worry if its not good enough for anyone else to hear
i seriously need something to do.

however, i came to several conclusions over the past couple of days. some real, some not.
actually, i guess i just came upon two conclusions. nonetheless, here they are:
1. i am going to be a journalist
2. i want to simply read and sleep all my days away. those are the only things i want to do. maybe spice it up and nap with someone, only, however, if i had no feelings for them because otherwise this simple life with no problems i am trying to create would be ruined. except i really like napping with those select few (well, 2).

my dad has told me this story more than once about how one day, when he was walking down the street in holland (his native land) when he was about 20, he decided that he would cease pursuing a career in art (for he was, at the time, an artist and beginning to think about making something of it) and make his life in business. he said he decided right then and there and never wavered ever again, even though he may have wanted to. he says that he wanted to do art but knew it was smarter and safer to do business. now he is senior vice president of a successful air freight company in los angeles, something he would not have believed had you told him thise when we was but 20. he says he never regrets dropping art.

i always thought that i would have this same moment my dad experienced, but i never had any clue as to what my decision would entail. after the last deadline week and really thinking about things and people, i decided that journalism would be something i could/can/should/would like to do with my life. i told sam briefly about how deadline week always makes me feel so safe because i have a place to be and something to do and a purpose and i am good at it and i enjoy the people who enjoy this same thing as me. although i know la vista is not really very much the same as a real paper (in certain senses), but all these things apply so well. i felt myself feeling that i simply wanted to go to deadline each day, skip school, not worry about homework or tests or crap, worry about la vista solely, go home, socialize, and sleep until i had to get up in the morning and go work on la vista again. then i put two and two together and realized that this would be very much like a career. in grown up world. not worrying about school and homework. worrying solely about my job and my family/social life/money/etc.

i hope im not being naive. naivety is such a bitch because you never know when its there until a) someone else tells you or b) you grow up.

i think i know what all these things mean. they feel pretty worked out in my head. i just dont know if i know enough about this grown up world i speak of to be very close to being right about it.

i wish i could sing.